Shadows Between Us (A Short Story)

Shot by Idris Elijah

The store was busy. I stood in the back, helping an older gentleman.

I instructed him, "Once you've tapped on your name, tap sign-in and security. Then tap change password."

I watched as he tapped through the settings on his iPhone.

I continued, "Enter your device passcode, and you can set a new password."

I stood there, waiting for him to reset his password. The store bustled with chatter. I looked up to do a quick scan. There were so many unfamiliar faces with lives as complex as mine. Universes waiting to be discovered.

I caught the eye of one of my co-workers. He had dark brown eyes and short black hair, wearing the same dark blue T-shirt and skinny jeans. He gave me this look while his customer was looking at cases. I laughed with my eyes, knowing he was also tired of these endless crowds. Black Friday wasn't for a few more weeks, but the store was bustling.

"Great job," I said once my customer reset his password.

"Couldn't have done it without you, Kaio."

"It's no problem at all. Is there anything else I can help you with today, Joel?"

Joel shook his head and outstretched his hand. I shook it.

"If you run into any other issues, you know where to find me," I finally said before moving on.

My next customer was a stout woman with long blond hair and a pretty face. I checked for her name on my iPad, and as I approached, she played on her iPhone.

"Hello, Denise. My name is Kaio, and I'll be your technician today. What's going on?"

As our interaction started, "Not Done Yet" by SOJA began playing throughout the store. I hadn't heard this song for well over twelve years.

"My iPhone's battery life is terrible, and I'm unsure what to do."

I genuinely smiled at her because we often encounter this issue, and it was easy to resolve. I momentarily glanced into the crowded store and swear I saw him: Yusuf. He had chocolate-brown eyes, muscular, rounded features, and a signature well-groomed beard with a wide-shouldered solid build, wearing a SOJA T-shirt.

I once saw him take down a guy his size--or bigger--in two seconds.

He smiled back at me, softening my heart.

That smile always did it. He wasn’t just beautiful--he was intelligent and well-mannered, qualities I’ve yet to find in anyone else.

He turned away, and I blinked, unsure of what I was seeing because he had died a year ago. He was gone.

"Everything okay, Kaio?"

I snapped back.

"Right, sorry. Let's check your battery stats."

Denise handed her phone over, "Absolutely, whatever you need."

I checked her battery stats in Settings, scanning for drain patterns.

I started thinking about Yusuf. It's not that I didn't think of him regularly, even though it had been twelve years since we were last in each other's company. Maybe I shouldn't think of him so often. It didn’t work out, and we had likely become different people. But no amount of hoping would bring back those moments we shared.

I, alone, carry what remained.

"I see you enjoy TikTok?" I asked with a smile, because who doesn't have a secret fetish for TikTok?

"It is addicting."

"I couldn't agree more. I will adjust your background app refresh so the phone is optimized for your TikTok and YouTube usage. You can always return to the general setting here," showing her the setting in general. "To adjust background settings for any other apps you use frequently."

Something told me to look up, and I did. I scanned the store, and everything seemed to check out. A bunch of unfamiliar faces. Outside the think different type human in a dark blue T-shirt and some sort of unique bottom: dark jeans, dresses, skirts, and various shorts.

I told Denise, "Use your phone for the next few days, and if you're still having issues, you know where to find me."

She smiled as I handed her back her phone, and I smiled back sincerely. I loved what I did.

Denise got up from the table and hurried off. I walked over to the MacBook cases to get out of the way, tapping across my iPad and logging that last interaction.

"Hey Kaio, can you go on break for me?" One of my favorite managers asked.

He was dressed in cargo shorts and a classic dark blue T-shirt. His beard went down to his belly and was topped with a handlebar mustache. As he approached, he adjusted his silver, rounded metal-framed glasses.

"Sure thing."

I headed for the back of house through a massive door made of a sheet of stainless steel conspicuously cut into the back right wall. I put away my iPad and returned to the floor, which was still teeming with customers and employees.

As I cut through the busy floor, exiting the store into the mall's concourse, I started thinking of Yusuf again, wondering if he knew everything, wherever he was.

He knew what happens after death. But did he understand what I felt when we were together? How much I regret not fighting to protect our secret. The fact that we were together and had been together for several months.

I wondered if he understood the position he had put me in, keeping such a secret from my best friend and his family, who were like family to me. When it got out that we were sleeping together, I hoped he understood the depth of my regret. Every time I reached out over the twelve years leading up to his death, I wanted to explain that I wasn't a good partner then, that I had changed and evolved, and that I could do better.

I wanted to tell him so much and fix things between us, but it was too little, too late. I'd never get the chance to tell him how much I loved him in hindsight.

I walked past Hollister, Armani Express, and Footlocker before reaching the doors to the mall's backstage area. After going through the concrete labyrinth, I reached my store's breakroom. I entered the code and made my way to my locker.

Upon putting in the lock combination, I reached into my bag and grabbed my American Spirits Dark Green cigarettes and white Bic lighter.

Four people were in the breakroom on the provided iMacs, probably checking emails or researching. As I approached the door, someone came out of the bathroom.

"Hey, Kiao!"

Jacob, skinny with blond hair and an oversized T-shirt, walked toward me.

"What's up?" I said.

"Joel told me to say thank you for everything. You were great!"

I forced a laugh and smiled.

"He's great too, thanks for letting me know."

I left the breakroom and went to the outside break area.

Outside was a rounded picnic table with an umbrella and two concrete benches against the two walls. The parking lot just around the corner.

I sat on the bench against the right wall, facing electrical equipment and a sparse collection of trees, watching the evening sunlight strike the mall's facade--blues, pinks, and grays in the sparse overcast.

Pulling out a cigarette, I lit it and took my first drag.

On the first exhale. For a moment, everything felt normal, but the hairs on the back of my neck were on end as if a bolt of lightning was about to strike nearby.

I pulled out my phone, and scrolled mindlessly--anything to avoid thinking about Yusuf.

I heard footsteps approach in the distance, but I was content with scrolling and reading X posts in my timeline until I smelled a lit hooka coal.

"Yo fuck ahh is just going to sit there and ignore me?"

Words I hadn't heard since Yusuf and I were together. An endearing phrase we created whenever we felt deeply for the other.

I looked up and immediately noticed Yusuf wearing a black collared shirt, a dark blue blazer with a square print, and black slacks, sitting on the bench perpendicular to mine.

He smiled at me in the silence. Everything from twelve years ago rushing back.

"Yusuf," I said softly, afraid of disturbing his presence.

"Hi, Kaio."

"What are you doing here? You're..."

"I know, but I needed to talk with you," he said confidently.

"...but how?"

He smiled at me again, and my heart melted.

"I guess that doesn't matter right now."

"No, it doesn't."

"I can't tell you how many times I imagined what it would be like to be in your presence again. To apologize for everything I did."

"I know. We both did things we regret."

"Where do I start? But what did you want to talk to me about?" I asked.

I moved a bit closer, no longer focused on my cigarette.

"Many things, but we don't have much time," Yusuf said earnestly as if he knew something I didn't.

"Nothing lasts forever, of course."

"Right."

We sat in each other's company for a few moments. I looked at him, unable to believe my eyes. I wanted to hold him in my arms, then for him to have me in his arms like he used to. As I inhaled, he would loosen his grasp. Exhaling, he would hold me so tight, as if he wanted to absorb me.

"Do you remember when I showed up at your house drunk off my ass, worried about Lindsey?" He asked me suddenly.

"Yeah, you texted me that you were outside. When I came to the door, I didn't see you, but then, as I walked further outside, I saw you in the street longboarding. After I got your attention, I knew something was up. So I lead you inside. I made you a glass of instant tea and a sandwich.

"That's when you told me you thought Lindsey was pregnant."

"Right," I could hear his smile as I stared into the distance, envisioning that night.

I returned my gaze to him, wanting to burn his perfect image in my head. This was how I wanted to remember him: unassuming and present with me.

"I couldn't believe it at first. Not for a second did I believe it. Lindsey's mom likely would have forced her to get an abortion. She couldn't be that sloppy," I admitted with a lump in my throat.

"You were jealous."

"For a second, yeah. But then it occurred to me that you were in my kitchen. Talking to me."

"That's true. I did come to you. I knew you would do your best to help me," Yusuf grinned.

"Had it been true that Lindsey was pregnant, I would've been by your side through thick and thin. In the delivery room if that made you happy."

"It would've been a terrible mistake. Bringing a child into the world at that time. I was struggling with my sexuality in a big way, but I was pleased with my experiences with you."

"You're the one who wanted to meet up again and again."

"Don't act like you didn't enjoy yourself."

"You never made me cum."

"You still enjoyed yourself."

I blushed and turned away as the sun set beyond the parking lot.

He wasn't wrong.

"So what was it about me that attacked you in the first place?" Yusuf asked.

I took a moment to gather myself. I looked at him. Missing him more and more. Unable to grasp the idea that someone so young, 27, could lose their life so suddenly.

"At first, it was purely athletic. You were the most beautiful human I'd ever seen. Plus, we'd known each other in passing for years. Alexis would rave about you whenever you weren't around.

"When you started coming over to smoke more frequently, I got to know you. I realized you were more than your beauty and muscles. You had a good brain in your head. I wasn't afraid to let you know what was on my mind. It was easy with you in ways it hadn't been with other guys. Even before we hooked up that first time, and you asked if we could do it again."

Yusuf laughed out of instinct at my brutal honesty, just like he used to when he was alive and with me all those years ago, "Yeah, you definitely had me under your spell. But then you broke my heart."

"I shattered it."

"I know it's a silly thing to mention now. I know how much you've beat yourself up about that. Forcing you to deal with the chatter and the rumors about us alone. Alexis didn't help, but I warned you about her," he said.

I nodded my head, "You did, and I didn't listen. If I could take it all back, you know I would."

"I know."

"My deepest regret was breaking my promise to you that I wouldn't leave your side. That we would have figured it all out together."

"But I see you haven't made that mistake since."

"Yeah, but I've also been averse to getting into any more relationships. Especially with straight men."

"Probably for the best," Yusuf joked.

I watched him, the sun slipping below the horizon. Soon, this high would fade--maybe along with my illusion of him.

"You know I forgive you, right? For breaking your promise."

"Do you?" I broke at that instant.

I knew I couldn't reach for him. Feel his flesh one last time as I worked my way to the edge of my bench. To smell him one more time.

"I'll always love you too, Kaio."

Tears blurred my vision as relief washed over me. I wiped my face, but when I looked up, he was gone--swallowed by the shadows between us.

The scent of purple hulk shisha he loved to smoke filled the air.

"Hey Kaio, you about to head back to the store?"

I jumped out of my skin and looked over my shoulder. Jacob stood with his head sticking out of the doorway.

"Oh--yeah."

I looked down at my hand, and my cigarette had burned out. I flicked it into the trash and took one last look at where Yusuf had sat.

"I'll always love you too, Yusuf," I said low enough so that Jacob coulnd't hear me.

I got up from the bench and returned to the store with Jacob, thankful I could now let go of Yusuf.

As Jacob and I walked and talked about how busy the store was, I scrolled through my iPhone files and deleted an archive of text messages between Yusuf and me from all those years ago.

Finally, I was free to love again.

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